Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
