I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
