I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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