I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
