I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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