drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
