How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
