Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
