Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
