my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
