Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize