Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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