I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
