when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
time to smoke my breakfast
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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