He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
