you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we made out on top of his cat.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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