I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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