we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
