somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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