mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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