I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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