Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
