How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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