Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
