oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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