I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize