The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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