fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
