She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
