Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
