Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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