like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
