She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
