my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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