The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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