I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
