can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
