Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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