I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
