So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize