I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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