Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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