it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
