If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
