What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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