Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Randomize
