I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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