remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
