I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
