Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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