Fine. I'll sleep in my office
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
