i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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