If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If its not for food we ain't going out.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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