I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
