Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize