Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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