she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
