If that was your dad, he is hot
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Blood and glitter go together right?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
