I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
