Umm I'm too high to move.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
