Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
