why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
