I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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