my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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