so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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