Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
