I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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