i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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